It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
