my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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