my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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