there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
