I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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