I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
