dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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