He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
