just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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