rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I need to stop coming to work sober
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize