I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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