I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
