so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
