Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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