you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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