Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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