I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
