I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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