my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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