I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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