I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
