I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
jump out the window naked night went bad
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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