I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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