Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
