wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Four minutes until I can fart!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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