If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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