textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
