The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
