I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
