she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
