just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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