last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
