drinking out of a sandbucket again
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
