I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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