walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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