my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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