listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
