she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
