I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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