Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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