what day is it and did you see me today?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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