Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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