At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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