just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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