this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
