were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
