Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
