If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
