ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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