You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
