I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize