my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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