He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
