I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
