we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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