I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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