Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
