If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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