after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
