Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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