I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
